The Naked Truth

I can't believe that I actually took these pictures. I know it's the only way I will truly face my reality, my size, and my problem. So, here is what I did. I got as naked as I dared, didn't use any camera tricks, and took the pictures. I want to curl up in a corner and cry. Seeing these pictures shows me how much my husband truly does love me for who i am, more than how I look. He thinks I am beautiful, and I don't understand why. I am trying to be better at taking his compliments, but seeing these pictures is depressing. This is the icing on the cake. I AM DONE BEING THE FAT GIRL!!!! NO MORE!!!! I am changing my life, and I will never let myself look like this again!

Shae at 216 lbs

I'm now going to go curl up in bed and try to get some sleep, so that I can get things done tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am important enough to not let myself be like this any longer!

Ok, time for a memory

This isn't a happy memory. Well, it's actually 2 memories. One is a cute memory, the other is one that most people will be disgusted at. I will start with the cute memory.
One of the first memories I have as a kid, is standing in the kitchen, looking up at my parents, and asking "More Cheese Please!" My parents would giggle, either let me have another piece, or tell me that I have had enough.
Another memory is one where I was at church, I was 3 or 4, and I was hiding under a table. (I can't remember why I was hiding under the table, but I was.) One of the boys came in and said, "You are too fat to hide under that table! Everyone can see you!" In my heart, I know that this boy had no idea what he was really saying. I did take what he said very personally.
Now, why am I sharing these two memories? Part of me thinks that they are related to why I started having bad eating habits, and refusing to eat the good food my parents were trying so desperately to feed me. I would barely eat meat, veggies, or fruit as a young child. I was about a picky an eater as they come. My parents tried so hard to have me eat better, and I wish now that I wouldn't have been such a stubborn child.
I need to take this moment and thank my parents for doing everything that they could in their power to teach me the right things to eat, and how to live a healthy life. I never have given them the credit they deserve for that. I want them to know that everything they taught me did sink in, it just took me a while to let it become a better part of my life.
Thanks Mom and Dad! I love you both so much!

Planning Meals

Ok, so the day has started off ok. I went down to Curves, and did a really good workout! 30 minutes=570 calories today! w00t! Generally, I don't like working out in the mornings as much as I do the early evenings. Today, I had 2 of the best distractions I can. Tami and Chelsea Too! They are two of the adorable trainers at Curves that I love to sit and visit with. They will follow me around the circuit, telling me stories, so that I don't even realize that I am done once I get to the end, because it has felt like the time has gone by so fast! I just want to thank them for being the great gals that they are!
Onto the current subject. Planning meals out is my nemesis. With my work schedule, I regularly have to plan 2 meals to take to work. Today, it's lunch and dinner. The hard part about it today, is that I desperately need to go grocery shopping. I am out of milk, bread, and all my fruits and veggies. So, I guess it's going to need to be whole wheat pasta today. I'm just going to have to pace myself, so that I don't eat the two helpings all at once. The only food options I have at work are pizza, chinese, and the deli that is by us. The deli isn't a bad option most days. They have some great salads. Maybe I will do the pasta for dinner, and have a salad for lunch today. They are just expensive....hmm...
Well, I will figure it out! I'd better shower so that I don't end up being late to work!

Curves

So, last September, my beautiful mom started going down to Curves. She was really comfortable down there, and she was steadily dropping weight. I decided at the beginning of this year, (along with my dear friend LeeAnn) that I was going to join Curves. I signed up, and lost 3 lbs, and 13 inches in the first month! I was so excited! Then, I started working full time again, and have been really bad about getting down for my workouts. I am recommitting here today on this blog, that I will make it down to Curves at least 3 times a week! If I make it more, wonderful! My goal for now is 3 times a week!
The ladies at my Curves, (go East Bay Provo Curves!) are all so friendly and supportive. I acutally look forward to going down to Curves, so that I have the chance to visit with the ladies throughout my workout. The time flies, because there is such comrodary down there! I am also spoiled at my Curves, because we are actually a Curves Smart. What that entails, is that we have a special set up on our machines. We get a tag, that we log into the computer before each workout. It tells me how hard I need to push on the machines to make my little light go green, so that I am constantly progressing and working harder. It's like my own little personal trainer, flashing at me to work harder! I don't like to see the orange light! I want GREEN!! So, in the morning, I will be going down to Curves early, so that I can prepare my meals for the day!

Why is this necessary?

The reason I feel this is necessary is that I don't feel accountable to anyone about my weight loss, so I become a slacker. Now, I am making myself more accountable for my actions.
The biggest reason for this blog is that I have big goals, and I need to loose weight to accomplish most of them.
First, I want kids. I would desperately love to be pregnant right now. My body isn't ready for it. I am now doing everything in my power that I know how to do to make this happen. My wonderful doctor has informed me that I have PCOS, and to help my pregnancy, I need to at least weigh in the 160's before he will feel comfortable letting me be pregnant. Well, at a whopping 216 lbs, that's still a ways off. (Yes, that is truly what I weigh, whether you believe that it's that much or not.) I need to make it happen. For the sake of my future family, and being there, and being healthy for them, I NEED to make this happen.
Secondly, my husband has had a rough life. I truly feel like he deserves a trophy wife, not some fat one. He is constantly telling me that the weight doesn't matter to him, but it matters to me. It may be shallow, but when we show up to his 10 year reunion, I don't want people thinking,
"Oh, that's the kind of person I thought he would end up with." I want them to think, "DANG!! He picked up a HOTTIE!! How did he get that girl?" I want them to say that, because my husband is amazing, and deserves a lot of things that he doesn't, or can't have right now.
Thirdly, I am sick of looking in the mirror and wanting to cry. I don't like to cry. I've cried a lot in my life time, for a lot of different reasons. Some good, some not so good. But I don't want to cry over what I look like anymore. I don't want to be that person anymore. That person in me needs to die! The person that looks at me and says, "You're amazing and beautiful!" needs to come to the foreground, and be the person that I am.
I can't stand and look at myself in the mirror, and say that I am beautiful. I can't say it and believe it I should say. I can stand and say it all day long, but I won't believe myself at this point in my life, and I don't want to be that person ever again!
Time for change baby! Here I come!

Hi There! Welcome to my weight loss journey. I really hope that this doesn't become to redundant for any of you. I really am using this for more personal reasons than anything, but I can use all of the encouragement I can get.

My name is Shae, and I am addicted to food. Yes, food is necessary for life, but I am addicted to food in a bad way. It is the way that I comfort myself, and the way that I bury my feelings with what is going on in my life.

I am warning you now, that this blog may get very personal, so if I am sharing too much sometimes, I am sorry. I hope that you will all still choose to read. If not, that is ok. Like I said before, this is mostly for my personal use.

I hope I can help someone along this road, but most of all, I hope to help myself.