So, lately I have been re-evaluating why I want to loose weight. There are several reasons that I have mentioned before, but I think the biggest reason lately for me is this....
I WANT TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG!
When you feel you have been pegged as "The Fat Girl" in your group of friends the majority of your life, you have something to prove to people. My first recollection of being called fat is one of my first memories. I was 3, and this boy had no idea what he was saying, but it effected me so much. After that, I think I just thought that is who I thought I would always be, "The Fat Girl." I know that I am much more than that.
By the age of 12, I was begging my parents to let me go see a personal trainer. My parents did what I asked, and I think that added fuel to my fire. I don't ever blame my parents for letting me go. While I was going to the personal trainer, rather than losing weight, I was gaining it. I went down a size, but I weighed almost 10 lbs more. I didn't understand that I was gaining muscle and loosing the fat, and being really healthy. My parents couldn't afford to have me go to the personal trainer anymore, and I let the weight creep on through my jr high years.
There are demons in my past that only a few people know about, but I know that I have been obsessed with being skinnier than I am for many years now. At least 10, and I'm not that old yet.
I always ran around with the kind of girls that you would see on the cover of a magazine, even though I was never that girl. I thought maybe that if I hung around with them long enough, I would end up looking like them. Well, that didn't happen.
The thing that did happen, is I found 2 ways to exercise that made me happy. Ballroom Dancing and Colorguard. ( That's the girls that run around on the football fied with the marching band, dancing, twirling flags, tossing rifles, etc. for those who aren't familiar with that.) I felt really healthy while doing that, even though I didn't look like my friends. Dancing made me feel beautiful and sexy, while Colorguard made me feel powerful and strong. I was a very confident girl on the outside during high school. On the inside, I was a mess. I really wanted to have a special someone, and I was just everyone's friend. Certain girls were threatened by me, because I hung around with so many of the guys, but I was never dating any of them. In fact, I never went on more than 2 or 3 dates with any guy from my high school. We hung out a lot, and I spent a lot of time with them, I was just never the girlfriend type for them.
I had my first boyfriend towards the end of my senior year, and he cheated on me with another girl from my high school. I was devastated, because she was thinner than me, and I thought he felt I was fat, and he didn't want me. After that, dating became interesting. There were definitely guys that I dated, but it wasn't until I dated a guy that had adored me from a distance that I learned how beautiful a man could think I am. I will always be grateful to this guy for teaching me that. He knows who he is, so I won't mention his name. There was a misunderstanding in our relationship, so we didn't end up together, but I will always be grateful for the relationship we did have. After him, I dated a lot of guys that were wrong for me, and I wasn't happy. After a break up the summer before I met my hubby, I decided I needed to become happy with where I was at in my life, so I stopped dating. I spent tons of time with my good friend Erik, and figured out what made me happy.
Then by chance, when I was at my peak weight, I met my husband. He was so great to me. I felt truly special, and that I was truly loved. I asked him once if my weight bothered him when we were dating, (I know, so stupid!) and he gave me such a beautiful answer. "Babe, I love you, and I don't see anything other than you. I love you the way that you are. I have honestly never noticed your weight, so no, it doesn't bother me." I knew in that moment that I had a keeper. I am really lucky to have him. He is the only person who can pull me out of my dark days besides my dad. My dark days are much farther and fewer between now, but I still have them. He is so good to me, and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him. He is truly amazing, and truly perfect for me.
So, to sum up this long post, I want to prove everyone wrong, but most of all, I WANT TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I AM NOT "THE FAT GIRL"!!!!!
Easy Wheat Bread
11 years ago
