Emotional Eating Yesterday

So, yesterday was a bad day. I got confirmation that one of my girls that works for me is moving, which I was expecting. On the other hand, I had another one of my girls put in her 2 weeks, because her hubby got an amazing job, and she needs to be home with her children. I am truly happy for both of these girls, and wish them the best!
I'm super upset and stressed because now I will be down to 4 girls that work for me, and it was just getting to the point where I didn't feel I needed to stress about my scheduling at work. (I'm a manager, if I hadn't mentioned that. Not at Curves, but my hair cutting job.) So, now I am going to be doing nothing but working. I need to see if I can get someone hired before one of them leaves. But I was not doing well with it yesterday. I was fine at work, but as soon as I got home, I got emotional and cried about it. I know in my head that it's silly to cry over it, but I am also not scared to share my feelings about things.
So, to console myself, my hubby humored me and brought home some of our favorite mexican food. It tasted good, but it didn't at the same time. I know I could have made a healthier choice, and I didn't. I'm a little upset with myself for doing it, but today is a new day full of promise and the dream of what I want to look like! :) I want to me a little more like Shakira that Tracy Turnblat from Hairspray! ;)
So, here is to a day of healtier eating, and more cardio!

Sparring

So, as most of us who have been trying to loose weight have seen on The Biggest Loser, Jillian Michaels has her contestants spar with her, while she wears mitts to protect her hands. My hubby dearest had a set with a punching bag, the sparring gloves, and boxing gloves. As we were at their house yesterday, we found them. I feel that I need to amp up my cardio since they cut back on the amount of Zumba classes at my Curves, so we decided to spar a little bit last night!
HOLY COW!!! You would never really think that sparring just during commercial breaks while your favorite show is on you could feel that kind of workout! My arms are a little sore today! But I worked through my entire core too, because I wouldn't keep punching with one side. I was constantly twisting side to side with my punches, and I kept my stomach tight as well. It felt really good.
I feel this will be a good supplement to my missing Zumba classes, but I will most likely still need to walk or jog or something! Once it decides to stop raining here, I think that would help! My dear friend Carrie also has another T-Tapp video for me to try with her when we have some time to get together! Hopefully by this weekend or something! ;)

Helpful Weekend

So, as Friday went on, I started realizing something about myself. I have never fully let someone into my life, and who I am. I am good at being the person that someone needs me to be, but I have never fully let someone see the real me. My husband and my immediate family are the ones who I have been the closest with, but i still think I held certain things back from them, so that they wouldn't think I wasn't good enough to be loved by them. ( I know that saying it out loud, it is ridiculous and stupid to ever think that, but there it is. I know better in my head, it's just a matter of teaching my heart that.) Anyhow, I was at our usual Friday Night at Village Inn, and I wasn't going to order anything, but I wanted to not think about what I had realized. So, I proceeded to order a big order of cheese fries, (because cheese is my comfort food.) I started talking to one of my friends there, and she helped me to know that it is possible for me to change, because she had. I am now going to follow her same diet plan, and see how it works for me. It's more about tracking carbs than calories or fat. She warned me what to be cautious of, and how to be successful. I will keep you informed on how I am doing with it! I am also learning a lot about my mental state from a book called Women Food and God and it has really helped me realize that I have really been repressing certain feelings with food. I am ready to change that, and become the best me I can! Thanks to Jeanna, who is my helpful friend!

Why am I fat?

I am currently reading a book, and it is asking me why am I a compulsive eater. Well, I have been thinking over it the last couple of days. The only thing I can think, is that I was really hurt when I was called fat when I was young. (For more details about that story, go back towards the beginning of the blog. I believe it's the second post.) I feel like that kind of pegged me for life. I have always felt like everyone looks at me and only sees "THE FAT GIRL", so I became her.
I had a really good childhood for the most part. I watched my amazing dad battle his weight most of my life. I wish I knew how to help myself, as well as my dad, in getting to where we are new healthy people who are happy. For the most part, I am happy with where I am at in my life. I know that some stresses in my marriage that I don't care to share at this time are part of why I have been eating more lately and gaining more. I feel like my hubby keeps putting off something that is extremely important to me in my life, and that he is going to just want to get rid of me. I feel like I am sabotaging my goals, because I know I will get left eventually, so why not make it sooner rather than later.
I know that in all reality, that these things aren't true. Yes, my hubby is procrastinating, but he continues to prove to me over and over again that he really does love me in the only way he knows how. I need to know that he will always love me. I know my size doesn't matter to him, unless I got to the point where I weighed like 500 lbs. But, he knows how much this journey means to me, and he continues to be as supportive as I let him. (Yes, I am stubborn, and won't always let him into my head. Sometimes he learns about me from this blog.)
When it comes down to it, I just have always felt like I have been pegged as the fat girl, and I am ready to stop being the fat girl. I am ready to become me, Shae, who has so much to live for, and I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life, and my wonderful work, and I really do have a lot of joy in my life. I just need to be more positive.
I know that I have lost readers lately, because I haven't been posting, but I hope with all of my heart that you will all come back and help bolster me up.
All my love,
The new Shae!

Broken

Yesterday, I felt totally and completely broken. I felt like I would never reach my goals along this journey, and that I would never get the things that I wanted, because I was broken. I was devastated, and started crying.
My husband had no idea what was going on in my mind, but he came over to me, and just let me cry into his chest. He just held me until I stopped crying. He was so supportive, and just kept stroking my hair, and giving me words of comfort. He told me that I was his world, and that nothing would ever change that in his eyes. He told me how he was excited to see me as a mother, and that our kids would be so lucky to have me for a mother.
I really needed to hear that more than anything. He is usually not so receptive to what I need to hear, especially when I wasn't telling him anything that was going on in my mind, because we had been having some struggles recently. I wasn't wanting to be this vulnerable to him in that way. I can honestly say now, that I'm glad I cried on his chest, and that he was in tune with my needs. This is how I know I am a lucky girl. I had days like this occasionally in other relationships, but they never knew what to say or do when I would get like this, but my husband always has.
It's a shame that he doesn't let people see his tender side more often! I wish he wouldn't hide behind is "Caveman" job, and let people see that he is real, not some macho man that doesn't seem to care about anyone or anything.
This is proof that he does care about me, and that despite our struggles, we are good together. I can't wait for the day when a couple of our major struggles are behind us, and we can see how our relationship is with a little less stress! ;)
Until then, even though I feel broken, just like anyone else out there on this same journey, I am lucky enough to have someone in my life to help me pick up the pieces, and put together a better me.

Trouble

Ok, so I am working out regularly now, but since I had to stop my Weight Watchers membership due to finances, I am struggling with food again! I think what I eat will always be the biggest struggle for me.
I have also been under a lot of stress. My marriage is having some struggles, and I am working a lot between the two jobs. As much as I enjoy them both, I don't think I am getting enough sleep. I'm just going to have to become an old lady and go to bed a 9pm, or I won't make it through the week.
When I am stressed, I have the WORST self image. Its been this way for years, and I'm not really sure why. I need to learn to love myself no matter what. I don't know why that is such a struggle for me.
Anyway, just like anyone else out there, I am struggling with my journey. I am hoping that this post will help me become more positive about things, and figure out a better game plan!
Thanks to all who are still reading this!